And there are moments you can taste it. Where you can hear the voice and feel the hand and you hate this, because you realize you haven’t moved. That sure, you may have a list of accomplishments to rattle off, and good for you, but really, who cares. Not you. Not anyone else. And the despair at the knowledge that you’d trade it all in a blink. And you hate this even more. Because really, you’d like to be stronger. You’d like to have cried all your tears and tossed all your pillows and laughed all your bitter, hurt laughs. But it’ll get you. It’ll sneak up. When you least expect it. Like tonight, at the apartment of the elderly couple, who pry you with books and chai tea and photo albums of curly-haired children and spice muffins. And you look at the walls full of smiling faces and you smile back at them, but they see through you. And the fear that everyone does.
And it’s one more day of pulpy, orange juice mornings and yoga class nights, of meeting-filled afternoons and 3 a.m. longings. It’s you and it’s only you and it’s the fear of how much longer, how much more of this, and where is the reward, the payoff, the gold star, the end.
You know?
22 comments:
How eloquently put...and sadly, I do know.
Err...
Without wishing to be considered harsh, may I suggest your problem could be solved were you to spend less time observing - which, btw, you do beautifully - and more DOING?
Just a thought. With kisses. But only if you're pretty :-)
ro hunter.
who has a blog, but it's the beta version and it won't let me leave comments on a non-beta blog...
Ro Hunter, thanks for your comments. I think you've got a good point. So, in the next few weeks, if you see Heather taking the world by storm, you'll have yourself to thank :)
What's the link to your blog?
incredibly well and beautifully put. And the only way out is through - so perhaps ro is onto something.
speaking of which - beta really won't let you comment on non-beta? That's a definite tick against it!
I do.
Love this post Heather. You always manage to make me think.
You could probably try;
www.rohunter.blogspot.com
Clever blog names are beyond me :-)
And don't be put off the beta version, moodie. It has some +ives. Like... err... it's cool to say the word 'beta'?
I do. sigh. Try not to give into it for too long though...
*squeak*
beg to differ, but we chaps are bloody important, young missy.
i advise anyone without a fine upstanding fellow like myself in their life to consider a serious bout of depression and self-examination.
or maybe chocolate. yup, chocolate is good.
*departing squeak*
Anonymous: Um, as for the bout of depression, I think I'll take a pass. WRF to the chocolate, been there, done that, am now my local gym's best client.
OMG, are you *tubby*???
I take my kisses back. I'm fattist, I'm afraid. Too much starving myself to keep to my racing weight to have any sympathy remaining for greedy tubbies.
OTOH, your sense of humour is def. a redeeming factor. So you get one kiss back. Just one.
Take it slow. Don't gorge yourself :-)
Good Lord. No, I'm not tubby, but even if I were, where exactly do you get off passing judgement on people you don't even know?
Perhaps you and your 'racing weight' should go for a run.
sorry.
i keep treating north americans as europeans in assuming we share a similar sense of the rough humour. my mistake.
i shall take advice and run along. once again, my apologies for any offence. it wasn't intentional.
enjoy your life.
love,
ro.
first day for me. it's not going so awesomely so far..
S'Mat, what happened?
can't go into it here, no offence but this is not a secure line.
however, in a word: prejudice
S'Mat, I'm sorry. Ce n'est pas facile, ca, c'est sure.
I think we all know....
Congrats on the high comment count! :) I'm gone for a few weeks from blog-land and you become a sensation ;)
K -it's amazing how they pile up when you write like, ten of them yourself.
Welcome back, hot stuff.
i reify momentarily as i just can't stop wondering who the 20th commentator'll be!!
and then ghost again... (i didn't cheat)
S'Mat, we miss you.
oh yes. I do know.
I also second the doing and not thinking comment, although I'm afraid I'm not very good at following my own advice.
Beautifully put.
Just found you through YULblog.
And just wanted to say... yeah, I know too.
Beautiful writing.
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