I started packing.
I started packing, and I have one, small box now sitting in my living room, apart from all the others, the name of my new city written bravely across the top. Housed in that cardboard container are several, select items, pictures, three books and a few candles, that will keep me company for the next two years, as I trade in a half decent apartment and a decent-paying job, a car and a medical plan, for a dorm room, a bus pass and textbooks, on the other side of the country.
I am excited about this move. I'm excited about my new campus, which sits on top of a mountain. I'm excited about my new program. I'm excited to be able to wear jeans again every day and be justified in eating cereal for dinner if I choose to.
But most of all, I am excited to be escaping the stark realization that I, unlike many of my close friends, am not getting married. I do not spend my weekends out house hunting. I don't care about tile samples and I don't stress over the colour of my bridesmaids' dresses. I am not pregnant, and I won't be for a long time. I may not ever be. And so, I do not spend my Sunday mornings at Baby Yoga or Stroller Aerobics. I don't post copious amounts of photos of me and a swollen belly to my facebook, I don't e-mail my friends with the latest pictures of me and baby in the park. I don't browse the David's Bridal website and I have not given two seconds thought to whether I prefer white or yellow gold wedding bands.
I'd like to be able to say I am completely comfortable with my life and where it is. In a lot of ways I am. But there are instances, situations, exchanges and times where a 26-year-old, unmarried woman with no marriage prospects can't escape the feeling she's done something wrong, that she has missed a critical step somewhere, and will be forever branded by this fumbled, foiled footing for years to come.
Or at least until the first of her friends gets divorced.
Maybe it was the look on the face of the bank teller yesterday as I signed for my Japanese Yen, when he wished 'my husband and I' a fabulous trip, and I smiled and told him I was going alone. Maybe it's in the note of smugness I detect in some of my friends' voices as they show off their new dining room tables and stainless steel refrigerators. Or maybe it's me and my own insecurity, and my fear at knowing that when I step on that plane at the end of August, it will be to get away as far as I can from the sounds of wedding bells and baby showers, registries and seating plans.
And hopefully, with a bit of time a bit more courage, it will feel like home.
15 comments:
Marvellous. (Smiles.) Go, learn, stretch, explore, write, live. You won't ever be sorry, I promise you.
Lovely.
My first friend is getting divorced, and it's horrible. And I think along with the dining room table inspired smugness, there might be a bit of wistful regret, that they didn't...I don't know, enjoy being single more? Have the courage to go to Japan alone?
This was a beautiful post.
I'm jazzed beyond comprehension at your opportunity and hope beyond hope that you'll continue to blog.
Perhaps it's small consolation, but I've found that almost universally, people who use the things you mentioned as milestones (first marriage, third baby, second divorce, bigger house) are frightful bores.
Being in love with knowledge and pursuing it almost as a lover will provide far fewer disappointments than a traditional relationship would.
And I can't express how unfathomably desirable you will be to a future suitor. I'm fortunate to have found someone who somehow bypassed a first, disastrous marriage and instead spent that time focusing on herself. This made her even more attractive, and she's already physically stunning.
Best of luck on this incredible opportunity.
Screw getting married...bring on the sushi I say! And we did that so all is well in the world. ;)
Maybe the teller was hitting on you and just fishing for your relationship-status information?
You're doing wonderful things with your life and fulfilling dreams most people never achieve. Good on ya Sistaaaaaah!
Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. All your unmarried, or Arthur, in your case, 'unsmug' comments.
It's the journey, kid.
nonono. fridges and diningroom tables are for the immobile and lame. what measure of success are material goods, unless they promote ideas or elements of your life you want to enhance? buying these things laden us down (unless you've got a utilitarian approach) and make us creatively lazy. cue the old possessions possess the possessor adage.
security. psshaw. there ain't none, at least, not in trying to achieve it through safeguarding the fortress. it all just obscures us from our own mortality, which is the best thing we have. its all a state of mind.
sorry, seem didactic here. you know all this, hence your ever-enlightened prose. i meant moreso: "here, here!"
ps. saw my first strollaerobics the other day. i wanted to switch all the babies while the mams were doing burpees.
I'm going throught the old "why is everyone getting married?" question too. I mentioned it to my coworker the other day, who is only 33 years old, and she replied that in her experience the wave of weddingplanning and house-buying was followed a decade later by divorce-lawyering and asset-selling (or hiding, as it were.)
So, consider the idea that purchasing a ticket to Japan will probably be a much smarter, more emotionally, personally and experientially rewarding investment than buying a house that you will have to sell in ten years so that you can pay your divorce law fees. Hey, to every dark cloud . . .
In any case, screw stainless steel in general. (It's not really stainless anyway!)
Anonymous - hear, hear! And thank you for weighing in.
oh my gosh am I out of touch! Where should I start reading to catch up? Where are you headed to grad school - and I pray it's for writing! Congrats on taking steps - life awaits :)
MI- it's so nice to have you back. I've missed you!
I'm going to be heading out to Vancouver at the end of August, to Simon Fraser University. And while I'm sure there will be an awful lot of writing involved, it's a masters' program in public policy. We'll see how it goes. What's your next adventure?!
wow - congrats! I second Arthur Willoughby - keep writing!
What's next for me isn't entirely sure, but learning French is pretty high on the list so watch out Paris, here I come...
For those lucky enough to travel, do it. Go often and then go again. And grad school? Great choice! I enjoy your posts. Good luck in your adventure.
http://www.gailanderson.org/
Gail, thank you for stopping by, and for your lovely comments.
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