Finally.
I finally got myself accepted to grad school. Two years and an amount of money I'd really rather not acknowledge spent on under grad classes later, I got that coveted piece of paper that officially tells me I'm in.
And so, if everything goes to plan, which it rarely does (with an ironically disturbing amount of regularity), I will be leaving Montreal for a city I've never so much as set foot in, to study public policy.
I'm happy about this. Really happy. And what has made me even happier has been the reaction of my friends and family when I shared my news. It was the reaction of one person in particular that gave me slight pause, and prompted me to write this.
One of my very good girlfriends is married to a fantastic man, has a spectacular child, and lives in a lovely home. We've known each other for years, and although our lives have gone in drastically different directions (read: I live in apartment, sans fabulous husband or child and this situation is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future), we have remained mutually supportive of one another's endeavors, and highly respectful of each other's choices.
I wasn't surprised, therefore, when she sent me a beautiful, congratulatory note, telling me how proud of me she is. It was the way she signed it that threw me for a loop.
'Just wait- now you're going to meet a fantastic guy, the man of your dreams, and then you'll be set!'
Why can't I be set without the man of my dreams? What if there isn't one? Does this somehow make my life unfulfilled, somehow less than what it should be? Does it inevitably imply that I still have my work cut out for me, that I've failed in my inability to find someone to share my life with? Can't I share my life with me, just me, and have that be OK?
It wasn't that her reaction hurt my feelings, but it did make me think, make me question the female perception that anything a woman does outside of marriage, of having and raising children is just that -outside. Just part of the waiting game, just a girl biding her time and trying to make herself useful in the interim.
Just filler.
13 comments:
It's in no way filler! It's what makes YOU the you you'd be in a relationship - if that's in the cards for you. Without it, you'd be just a shell of a gal - and there's no way that leads to finding mister right! I totally understand why her note gave gave you pause - but you need to focus on this huge step you're taking - and let it be for you and let that be enough. You deserve major kudos and all KINDS of wonderful things lay ahead because of your willingness to take this step :)
I have to admit a tiny, tiny portion of my fantasy for graduate life-besides being utterly brilliant, discovering my true genius and writing a theory that changed the world, was meeting some totally gorgeous and wonderful man(perhaps quebecois or european or maybe even a newfie) who I would collaborate with and throw fabulous dinner parties with for all of our artistic and intellectual friends in our awesome apartment somewhere in mile end. The reality is that graduate school is the worst place to meet people.
I mean seriously, if you can walk away with a graduate degree AND a man who isn't a emotional retard and indeed someone you mind waking up next to for the foreseeable future....
but I digress.
I think there is somewhere lodged in even the most progressive woman's mind the idea that one must either chose a career or marriage, and that, like a jane austen novel, one's wedding is the end of ones life. Admittedly, I have weathered far more blatant statements, such as "since you're single, what is that you're doing with your time?"
or "When are you going to finally settle down?" I am not sure what to do with them, as my unmarried state has nothing to do with the fact that I am against marriage--per se.
It's all such a terrible cliche, that you'd expect to find in a bridget jones novel. which tend to segway into these horrible heart to hearts where ones married friends give one speeches about how "I know it will happen for you." or helpful hints such as "when I stopped looking, I looked up and there he was." When I know, just as well as she, that she was completely neurotic and obessesive.
Anyway-I did have a point....
And then there are those of us who opted for the traditional marriage and family life. When we read or hear of women such as yourself, who are courageous and in possession of enough self confidence, to strike out alone to unknown places in order to improve themselves we are aware that we may have missed something and are envious of the path the independant women are able to take. In all honesty, you are awesome!
H, I'm always amazed that people still say stuff like that in 2007.
Marriage is great. Kids are good for some people, too. But I scratch my head at people who think marriage and kids are the end-all.
As a 39-year old guy the best advice I could give anyone is to enjoy the living hell out of whatever moment you're currently in. If you're single, don't be glum and think you'll never be happy 'til you're married, 'cuz surprise: Half the time you're married you'll hark back to your carefree, single days.
Thank God we live in a time when we're slowly but surely accepting that people "progress" at different rates, and there are no longer arbitrary deadlines set for life's achievements.
Congrats on grad school.
Congratulations!
I have a friend whose parents sent her to college to "meet a husband." Also, in old movies, etc. they say things like, she's working as a stenographer (or whatever) "until she finds a husband." As though women are only useful in the context of men. One more example (grr) is when people talk about menopause as, women living beyond their usefullness.
Honestly, it's scary to hear that from another woman, but I've caught my own thoughts following those lines (that you mentioned, not that I just wrote about in my tangent above).
That being said, school is a good place to meet guys. ha. They're well educated, smart, around the same age as you... At least it's probably better than support group meetings, right?
Wow, your posting gave me a lot to think about...
Okay. My first response was to scream "bullshit" and to rant at length about the infuriating assumption that women cannot be whole unless they are fulfilling their socially-prescribed obligations as wife and mother.
My second response is this: your friend has a husband and a child who make her deeply happy. Your friend loves you and wants you to be happy. Therefore, your friend wants you to have the same things that she has so that you can experience what she knows to be true.
Of course, she means well. It's just that she doesn't necessarily understand that there are things in a life that can mean as much as love. There absolutely are, and this is what you are searching for. Whether you find them in grad school remains to be seen. You may, or you may not; your task now is to try. But, whatever the outcome, you should never, ever stop searching for them--with or without a man, a child, or a lovely home. Based on what I've read here, I would guess that you couldn't even if you tried.
So, congratulations to you, h. Knock 'em dead! :-)
congratulations!
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're getting a call as soon as I post this thing. I drag my ass around following political leaders and I miss things like this!
I would feel a little un-well with that signoff too...but everyone has their own perspective on life, I guess.
Congrats! I get that alot "You're single, you're missing out" -- I mean, I've been there, it was great but I'm not "incomplete" because I'm single, I get to f*ck around guilt free anytime I want. Too honest? Too crude? Not really, just not a moral standard -- but I'm happy so go figure ;) Good luck!
I get this too. All the time.
It's one thing when a close friend does something like this, but it's another thing entirely that EVERYONE should be doing this to you. People you don't know. Some women have total strangers ask them if they are single and immediately try yo fix the situation. It's surely some kind of projection that these people do.
The fact is, this is something that is no one's business but yours. If you were concerned about being single and wanted help or advice, or if someone knew that singlehood was not what you wanted, then it might be appropriate for them to say something. Otherwise, they should shut up.
If you've ever done therapy you will know that the statement in her card was about HER and not you. That is how SHE defines her life and thus defines others' lives.
If you're happy you don't need anyone else to fulfill you. You are all you need.
It's so frustrating to me that women refuse to support other women.
Just for the record I am a 39-year-old stay-at-home mom to three daughters six and under. I say "Go Chicks, Go!" Live the dream that is uniquely yours and try to be courteous along the way.
You would be surprised to hear how many times I run into other WOMEN who say, "And what ELSE do you do" (like that's crazy and boring) when I tell them I stay at home full-time to take care of my children.
And then I run into the other stay-at-home moms who rag on the mothers who work.
Why can't we all admit we are working toward providing a happy life for ourselves and our families? Period!
Cardiogirl - you sound fabulous, and your daughters are lucky to have such a grounded, insightful mom. Thank you for what you said.
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