Explain me this

Finally.

I finally got myself accepted to grad school. Two years and an amount of money I'd really rather not acknowledge spent on under grad classes later, I got that coveted piece of paper that officially tells me I'm in.

And so, if everything goes to plan, which it rarely does (with an ironically disturbing amount of regularity), I will be leaving Montreal for a city I've never so much as set foot in, to study public policy.

I'm happy about this. Really happy. And what has made me even happier has been the reaction of my friends and family when I shared my news. It was the reaction of one person in particular that gave me slight pause, and prompted me to write this.

One of my very good girlfriends is married to a fantastic man, has a spectacular child, and lives in a lovely home. We've known each other for years, and although our lives have gone in drastically different directions (read: I live in apartment, sans fabulous husband or child and this situation is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future), we have remained mutually supportive of one another's endeavors, and highly respectful of each other's choices.

I wasn't surprised, therefore, when she sent me a beautiful, congratulatory note, telling me how proud of me she is. It was the way she signed it that threw me for a loop.

'Just wait- now you're going to meet a fantastic guy, the man of your dreams, and then you'll be set!'

Why can't I be set without the man of my dreams? What if there isn't one? Does this somehow make my life unfulfilled, somehow less than what it should be? Does it inevitably imply that I still have my work cut out for me, that I've failed in my inability to find someone to share my life with? Can't I share my life with me, just me, and have that be OK?

It wasn't that her reaction hurt my feelings, but it did make me think, make me question the female perception that anything a woman does outside of marriage, of having and raising children is just that -outside. Just part of the waiting game, just a girl biding her time and trying to make herself useful in the interim.

Just filler.

She's a big girl now

"It's a big girl world now, full of big girl things."

-Kendall Payne

Enough said.

It's all around me

I am not going to release yet another disparaging post about the commercial, despair-inducing, chocolate-indulging nature of Valentine's Day into the blogosphere, as I am quietly confident there are already enough of them floating around. I have never been a large supporter of the day to begin with, and although the temptation to condemn it with a vengeance this year is perhaps slightly stronger than holidays previous, I will not give in! If Hallmark tells us this is a day to celebrate love and the joy it brings to our lives on an individual and collective level, I figure I can do that. Because to be truthful, although I won't be going home to a bottle of wine and a home-cooked meal, lovingly prepared by some fabulous man, this doesn't discount or discredit all the other amazing ways that love rears its lovely little head in my life on a daily basis.

It's in the Valentine's card my best friend made sure was in my inbox this morning.

It's in the e-mail my mom made sure I would get as soon as I got into work, wishing me a happy day.
It's in the exchange I had with my elderly neighbour in the elevator this morning, when he asked me if I enjoyed the books his wife gave me.

It's the anonymous someone who collected my newspapers for me all last week while I was away at a conference, and slipped them under my door when I got back.

It's in the shared cup of coffee with a friend as she confides in you about her excitement about moving in with her boyfriend, and her fear of what her Catholic family will say.

It's in the guy in your economics class who shyly hands you copies of the notes he took for you, unasked when you missed last week's lecture.

It's in the excited message from your friend who tells you to find something decent to wear, because she bought you tickets to the opera for Valentine's Day.

It's in yourself, in the cup of tea you brew, the workout you force yourself to do because you know it's good for you, it's in the evening you spend reading a fantastic book.

It's in the smiles you give, the hugs you squeeze, the tears you dry, the consoling words you speak.

It's in the letters you write, the compliments you give, the favours you extend.

It's knowing that this year, you don't have to look outside for love, because it's all around.

It's next door, it's down the street. It's in a friend's apartment, it's in your family home.

It's in an e-mailed letter, it's a phone call away. But most importantly, it's in you.

So Happy Valentine's Day to you all. However that happens to play out in your corner.